Entry #1
I have come to the world, born into it like everyone else. And I shall leave this world one day, just like everyone else. All of the unique memories I hold, that are coded specifically for me through my lived experiences. All of the experiences played out through the ego that I have called my identity for as long as I can remember. All of my memories that piece together that identity. I would be nothing without them, and nothing would be who I am. At least, that is what I have told myself.
I reflect upon the world through thought. Whether it be of the past or future, they are from the mind that was born to me: a channel of cycles, stations that I may tune to. With each thought, compacted emotion carried itself through a frequency, creating what you’d call a persona, an identity that I would latch onto. No, not me. It was my ego that did so, for I and the ego were not one of the same: identical twins sharing the same mind and body. Our spirits, however, were in contrast with one another, constantly battling for dominance over sole autonomy.
I can’t say that I am the ego, for I acknowledge its presence and influence in my own daily life. I don’t think anyone can, really. When we entertain the idea, we often express that we have an ego, that it is a part of us, therefore it is separate from our innermost core: the human soul.
You could argue whether or not a soul exists, but there is Consciousness. There has to be. And the two work hand in hand with the ego to mold and shape a person into who they were, are and will eventually become. You can even go on to argue that it is merely informational energy that is bound to specific individual properties that eventually come together to form a unified model of what is the perceived human being. I, for one, make no claims about anything, as these are merely thoughts that arise in my reflecting thoughts.
My journey is a road paved with questions, many of which I will express within these pages. I could consider myself a man who questions infinity, for all that I’ve asked throughout my life, but I do not think so highly of myself to even consider my status above that of a slave to the system, a cog in the machine. I am merely writing this so that others may seek the answers that I may not obtain in this lifetime. Perhaps in the next lifetime I will come across these words and find myself relating to them. Perhaps.
Entry #2
To find peace within a world of chaos is a difficult matter, for at the root of such chaos is the desire for peace. We seek it, yearn for it, but we chase after it by moving mountains around us—creating chaos along the way. How can peace in this exist in the future if we have, in the present moment, created a past of death and destruction—a decaying reality? I suppose that it is the only way, or maybe there is another that we have yet to discover. I do not know. I only know that our world is broken, and sad. The Earth is crying, and from its tears new life is born. From that sadness and sorrow we are given a chance to bring forth a new age of peace and prosperity, because we are given a chance to live through the chaos that comes with movement.
We are that chaos which is rooted in peace. It is our ego, however, that claims righteousness over this chaotic domain, often feeding into the negativity that seems so prevalent and abundant. Why is there so much chaos in growth? Why must we be dealt with the pain of growth? Of course, without it, there would be no lessons to be learned, and time would cease to matter. I often wonder why things are the way they are, but then I wonder why things are not the way they are not. Would we even have a concept of peace without the concept of chaos? Or would neither concept exist?
We must find peace within the chaos, and allow ourselves to rise above the challenge and hard times that are brought forth from it. If it already exists, then there is no point in reflecting on what could have been, but rather what could be. The past cannot be changed, so it’s best to focus on the future while it is here in the present moment. Nothing can ever be done from anywhere else.
Entry #3
Because all my life, I ran away from living, and existing. I felt things on a different level compared to the rest of society. People feel dull and like drones, or robotic.
You compare others to yourself, in hopes that you will search for other sparks of consciousness that can dance with you in eternity, while also trying to run away from the true self that you are. We often find comfort in others because they give us what we are seeking in ourselves. They've already achieved a higher state of self, they've already done the hard work, and you fear the hard work yourself.
That's what I felt like. I didn't want to do the hard work because I was afraid of being seen, heard, and judged. Being observed collapsed the waveform of my consciousness into a different reality than the one I perceived.
But I don't care anymore. I choose to do the hard work, to work on mind, body, and spirit in a completed form of the trinity. Each aspect feeds consciousness while in life.
"What happens in or beyond life will happen tomorrow." - a single phrase repeated every day, so that whenever tomorrow arrives, there is another tomorrow to come forth. That day could be the last one, until the day arrives, in which the next day could be the last one, and on and on.
To continue that quote, "Today is reserved for today."
Entry #4
It is difficult to love what does not love you back. Especially unconditional love. You want them to recognize you, value your worth, your entire essence, your being. You want them to understand how deeply you feel, that it goes far beyond that of physical attraction - that it is deeply and purely the love of another consciousness. And then when you're rejected from all that, all that you can feel is depression. You feel like you're not good enough, that you're unworthy of their love, or anyone's for that matter. All you have thereafter is yourself, and if you lack the love for yourself, then you have nothing.
Entry #5
The present moment is only lonely if you allow yourself to become overwhelmed by the negative frequency of emotions.
You can be in the present moment without succumbing to the frequency of loneliness, but it takes time at first to adjust. You spent all your time inside the energy field of others and are now just stepping into your own field, which will feel foreign at first.
Entry #6
It's strange to look back on a period when specific people weren't a part of your life. What it was like back then, and what it would be like if you'd never met. How much would've changed? Would the progress you made since have occurred differently without that person in your life?
Entry #7
You don’t mourn the past because it was perfect.
You mourn it because it was innocent.
Entry #8
Every encounter you have with others - is meant to improve yourself, because you often gravitate towards the ones who are either like you, have something to teach you, or can protect the vulnerable parts of you.
Entry #9
Curiosity allows buried questions to make it to the surface and when you observe them, they collapse into your reality. If you become aware, you can make change.
Entry #10
Always strive to be the best version of yourself, even when the two of you are in disagreement of what that is.